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Haystack Living

…or a list of things to do that will ensure other East Bay residents know that the hatred is, most definitely, mutual.


1. Stalk out to your car, notice the tow notice on the driver’s window, loudly declare, “Well, this is fucking stupid,” within earshot of the armed security guards, rip the tag off your car, and throw it away in the wrong bin in front of them.


2. Go on a loud rant about how you’re a busy person, and that two minute trip to the office for a current parking pass is way too much to ask of a person like myself, so they should just make a note in their security guard diaries that they’re not to threaten to tow me for stupid reasons anymore.


3. Drive a Prius. A fellow Prius owner mentioned to me a while ago that he feels that sometimes people act like dicks around his vehicle simply because he drives a hybrid and likes the smell of his own farts. I think tonight’s incident may have proven him correct.


4. Drive 5 mph ABOVE the speed limit on a dark street. It’s a sure-fire way to get some asshat in a truck to tailgate you like it’s going out of style.


5. Once they’ve effectively glued themselves to the rear end of your vehicle, turn on your hazard lights and slow down to exactly 3 mph BELOW the speed limit. As soon as you come to a straightaway, start weaving back and forth across the road. Not only will this prevent them from illegally passing you across the double yellow lines, but it will also make them think you’re drunk, which one would think would be enough for any reasonable person to back the hell off.


6. But, mind you, this is the Haystack we’re talking about, and no one is reasonable here. So when they flash their brights at you several times, make sure to turn your hazard lights back on, weave a little more, and then take off like a bat out of hell.


7. When you get to Safeway at 10 at night, because you forgot to pick up your allergy meds at a reasonable hour but are not willing to wake up ten minutes early to allow time to go pick up some stupid, generic Allegra, make sure you don’t make eye contact with the crack addict by the door.


8. As you leave the store with your stupid, generic Allegra and one-liter bottle of water (that you HAD to have to prevent an early dehydrated death), doubly make sure you don’t make eyecontact with the crack addict at the door. He’ll now assume that you aren’t ridiculously broke and want something from you.


9. Even though the ass in the truck is long gone, weave a little more once you get back onto the main road. That’ll keep everyone else away from you.


10. Once you get back to your apartment complex, park in the exact same spot you were in before you left, mutter incoherently about haystacks, hobos and security guards who only read at an 8th grade level, and putter back into your apartment.


11. Pop a melatonin (one of many that your pushy coworker literally pushed on you so you’d sleep more like a human being and less like a raccoon) and pass out for the night.


12. Wake up at 7, let your alarm go off a few times to show your new neighbors that you don’t care about their sleep, shower, dress, eat.


13. Stumble back out to the car. Discover a new tow notice on the driver’s window. Swear loudly, tear it off, and throw it on the ground.


14. Drive to work in a mock rage so other people won’t make eye contact with you.


15. Come home, refuse to pick up a new parking permit, and do it all again.

Categories: Rants
  1. April 2, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Get a parking permit, Cat. They’re just doing their job and keeping the riff-raff out. And calm the hell down! Must be nice having all that extra energy for tantrums =D.

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