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Hell’s Bells

So today I went to the doctor. I should have really gone several weeks ago, but I’m a busy person, and I don’t have time for crap like that, damn it. I think the turning point that made me decide it was time to finally call for an appointment was last week when I actually had to bind my hips in place with a huge bandage just so the left one would stop trying to pop outta the socket.

 

After some poking, prodding and general wiggling, my doctor decided that she really couldn’t do much for me today, since she was afraid all it would result in is another hip dislocation. Feck. And after affirming that 1000 mg. of naproxin a day is, in fact, the way to go for now (“Unless, of course, you’d rather be taking Vicodin, Karin.” “No thanks, Doc.”), I was sent off to the lab to do some blood work. Sorry kidneys. There are two of you, but there’s only one liver, and between you all, I’ma stick with protecting my liver.

 

So the lab work is in preparation for the MRI I need to get soon…like next week if possible. Cross your fingers that my insurance company won’t give me a hard time over that, since it’s really the last thing I need right now. And after the MRI scans have been inspected and stuff, I guess it’s time to look into seeing an orthopedist. Is that how you spell that? Eh, hell with it. I don’t care. My damn hip hurts too much right now.

 

I’m way off topic, here. Lab work, lab work, lab work…. They were testing kidney function to make sure my kidneys will be able to filter out the radioactive vein goo they inject into me for the MRI. And, since I hadn’t had a full, rounded test done in eons, she ordered a bunch of other tests, too. This all resulted in the need for roughly six bottles of blood to be removed from my quivering arm. After 5ish tubes, I got really light-headed and nauseated. It was also at this point that the vein she’d stuck decided to STOP GIVING BLOOD. I can’t say I really blame it.

 

When I finally got out of there and got back on the road (my middle name is Danger, you know), it was all I could do to drive safely home over the bridge. I got here, briefly took the dog out, had a quick snack and collapsed in Bear’s room. It’s cozy and cave-like in there. That, and Hef’s litterbox was kinda out of control in my room. And as I was lying there on his cushy Bear bed, I began to feel more than a little depressed.

 

I was supposed to be fixed today, damn it. I was supposed to run 8 billion miles this afternoon in celebration. And then I was gonna dance all over the apartment, clean the kitchen, and clean the catbox sans the constant fear that my left leg might give out and pitch me head-first into the horrible mess. And instead I was sprawled on Bear’s bed, pain shooting up and down my left leg, grumbling curses.

 

Naturally, my thoughts turned to more demented themes. Maybe I’ll eventually need surgery, or maybe I won’t, but God help me, if I need a new hip, it had better be a bionic hip. And that bionic hip would also have a lazer gun attached to it, which I would use to obliterate my stupid enemies, beginning with the jackass who did this to me in the first place. And I’d walk around going, “Clang, clang, clang,” and when I finally track him down, my lazer attachment would go all, “Pew, pew, pew!” And then he’d be no more, and I’d celebrate…by running 8 billion miles.

 

I seriously need to stop having such exhausting days like this, or I’m gonna get sick. It’s just gonna happen. One day I’ll be skipping along, and then suddenly I’ll be on the floor with a dislocated hip and the stomach flu. So, um, world, do me a solid and stop being so difficult to live in for a bit, would you?

And then I'd look kinda like this chick, except I'd still have my leg. The gun would just come out of my hip. And it'd be a lazer gun, not a machine gun. Either way, they'd make a movie out of it. "Planet Terror" was based on a true story, right?

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Categories: Rants
  1. 3V1L (H3RUB!!1!!!!one!!
    October 28, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Your bionic hip and my magic Cherub lasers can be all “pew pewpewpew!!” It will be amazing.

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