Home > Rants > “You’re Gonna Have to Learn to Eat…

“You’re Gonna Have to Learn to Eat…

…when you’re on your own.”


Fuck that. I’m just gonna find another taco place in stupid Hayward. That’s right. Hayward. Stupid, stupid Hayward…where there is no Happy Taco.


And no one I know…except one person who I don’t really even know nor care to…and a body of water between me and everything else familiar. And a bridge between me and work. And my dad. And my home-making mother. Well, technically I think there’ll be two bridges between us and her.


…us being Bear and I….


Pros of jumping ship and finding an island with the Bear:

-No more stupid classical music blasting from across the hallway. You know, like the kind that makes your brain consider exploding off its own accord.

-No more fog. As far as I know, Hayward doesn’t get much fog. Right? Right?!

-No more lawn to mow.

-No more chickens. Fuck yes to store-bought eggs!

-No more clutter. Seriously, I’ve needed an excuse to donate at least half of my possessions.

-No more Woman asking me to do the dishes first thing in the morning, and me saying ANYTHING to get her out of my room, and then coming home later to a very pissed off Woman asking me why I didn’t do the dishes.

-…I think I saw a pool pictured at the apartment complex? Not that I like swimming, but if I did, that’d be a perk, I guess.


Cons of jumping ship and finding an island with the Bear:

-I will have to strictly adhere to my stupid budget.

-My commute will be about 20 minutes longer.

-No one I know is there.

-It’ll be a pain in the ass to visit any of my friends, because crossing a bridge (or two) makes it all seem like so much more work.

-I’ll be about a million miles away from my father, who has the uncanny ability to talk me out of insanity when I need it (is this a cry for help? Maybe, Dad, maybe….).

-I’ll probably end up consenting to being a vegetarian simply because it’s cheaper, which would make me a God damned hippy.

-There’s no Happy Taco there.



And, yeah, um…fuck. I am currently overwhelmed and stupidly emotional about this. Also, I hate getting up early, and if we do end up in Hayward, I’ll have to get up earlier than I’d like to make it to work on time for opening shifts. And this would involve crossing a bridge during rush hour, which, historically, drives me insane.


Cherub goes off to college, I give a fat bitch at work half of two sales just to keep the peace, and now I’m suddenly moving in a month. HOW DID TODAY GET SO FUCKING COMPLEX?!




Categories: Rants
  1. August 31, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    1. Put your own oxygen mask on because Dup and Hef are depending on you.
    2. You will have help doing all this.
    3. You can take all your shit with you and donate it in some other month, like January.
    4. The commute will be the same in non-traffic times. Sometime the HMB commute is long too.
    5. We will find a nearby place that is even better than Happy T.
    6. Your friends and family will come visit you there, too.
    7. There’s a bridge over the body of water. A stable close to the water bridge. A non-scary bridge. You can cross it easily. So can your friends. Foster City is also a good meeting place option.
    8. When I was 24 I was giving birth to Sven married to your dad, starting a business, and living with his parents. But then we moved out into a house and it was really fun. You will have fun, too.
    9. You can entertain your friends at your own place, cook meals for them and get drunk. It’ll be grand!
    10. No more blasting classical music!

  2. August 31, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Mark says “Greebo won’t get eaten in Monte Rio. He’ll depopulate the entire rodent population. He’s certainly less likely to get hit by a car. He’s a killer. He’ll be fine.”

  3. August 31, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Ugh. All those typos are what happens when I type with dry eyes slathered in ointment. Sorry.

  4. August 31, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Uh, one more thing. Am I supposed to be the banana in that picture?

  5. Cherub
    September 5, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Sorry I left you, Faustus. Sorry you gave a fat bitch hella bank just to be nice. Moving is fun though, not living with parents is THE BEST. Also there were shirtless gentlemen today. I behaved myself.

    ALSO ALSO ALSO “Och tamale gazolly gazump deyump deyadee yahoo. Ink damink deyadee gazink deyump deray yahoo. Win wang tricky tracky poo foo joozy woozy skizzle wazzle wang tang orky porky dominorky! Redlands! Rah, rah, Redlands!” is my school cheer. Literally. It makes fun of the fact that Oxy’s is all in Latin and we were like “see? OURS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE EITHER!!” So. Yes. Anyway. Sorry for leaving, cool you get to live by yourself though. Even if you don’t agree.

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