Home > Rants > Suicidal Cat Fails Again

Suicidal Cat Fails Again


My cat, Persephone, is a black and white domestic shorthair with some Siamese mixed in there. Her mother, Ophelia, was a hell of a lot more Siamese-looking than Persephone is, so I can only assume the wretched kitten got her bulky figure and testiness from some big, black tomcat.


Persephone is a long name, in case you hadn’t noticed. Shortly after we got her (at 8 weeks old), her name got shortened to Seph. She was tiny, cute, and cuddly. At about 8 months old, she began to look and feel like a Nerf football. These days, at roughly 5 years old, she’s basically a beaver. Have you ever seen a beaver up close? They’re freaking huge. These days, we call her Hef, short for Heifer.


As far as I can tell, Hef buries her feelings with food. When we got the puppy almost three years ago, she was so pissed off the first night that she spent literally two hours at her food dish. Later, after I’d climbed into bed, she crawled into the box spring under my mattress, got right under where I was lying, and puked violently. And, because it was in the box spring, I wasn’t able to do a God damned thing about it. Yep. She uses food as a weapon.  Charming animal, no?


Once she realized the dog was here to stay, she seemed to get kind of depressed. Then Mark moved in with his cat, Beaux-Beaux. It was at this point that she became suicidal.


I came home one afternoon to find her in my bedroom furiously chewing on the end of my cell phone charger cord. You gotta remember that cats don’t have very big brains, and they’re generally kinda dumb. Because there’s a converter attached to the cord, she didn’t get the shock she was looking for. Instead, her mouth was probably just filled with a strange tingling sensation.


I bellowed at her to stop, she spit out the cord in disgust, and then she disappeared for a few hours into the hall closet. There’s probably an entrance to Narnia in there….


Since then, she’s actually accepted the dog. They cuddle together sometimes, which is insanely adorable, and when they don’t, they still sleep with me on the bed every night. I figure they’re still cuddling in that sense, even if it’s only by proxy.  At this very moment in time, they’re back-to-back at the foot of the bed. Insanely cute. Yes!


She still hates Beaux-Beaux, though, and since Ophelia died last summer, she’s kind of on her own as a grown-up kitty now. Her mommy’s no longer around to tackle Beaux-Beaux for her. Duppy chases him off sometimes, but then she gets excited and often chases Hef, too. And I think this depresses Hef, which would explain the newest teeth marks on my iPod charger.


It’s currently plugged into my laptop, and when I tried to delicately take it from her just now, she shoved it into her little mouth all the more forcefully. She gave up when I clapped my hands in her face, but this kind of Darwinism makes me nervous. I mean, shit! Isn’t it enough that she’s been fixed?


Poor suicidal kitty—I love her so. And now she’s gone to eat more kibble.

Categories: Rants
  1. August 19, 2011 at 5:18 am

    She hates Greebo Boy, still? Poor Beaux-Beaux.

    I’ve been looking for the entrance to Narnia for 40 years….

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